This week started out amazing. Spent the weekend snowboarding and with a good friend. The road trip up to the slopes was a little on the boring side but we tried to make it fun. I grew up skiing, so my friend convinced me to give snowboarding another shot. It was fun and I would definitely go snowboarding again, but my preference is definitely skiing. The road trip back was even more brutal than the first time around. I don’t mind road trips and can always entertain myself, but my friend was not nearly as comfortable as I was :). When we got back home, I found out I didn’t have work the next day.
I’m not really sure what happened Monday. Whether it was the sudden withdrawal of contact (affection) or something else, I found myself falling down that dark rabbit hole of depression. It started simple, just a void in the back of my mind making me feel like something was missing. Then, the hunger for something more, the fear of never getting it, and the pain of being without it and alone all in quick succession. By Tuesday night, I was in a deep depression that I couldn’t shake. I still woke up and did what I needed to do; put on the charade of being ok and responsible.
Maybe a little better than I was doing on a day to day basis. Wednesday, I actually woke up early, put on makeup, went to get coffee. All to make myself feel a little better. I realize I try harder to love myself when I can feel I need someone to love me.
Unfortunately, over the holidays my family had a massive argument that has led to a kind of falling out. And even though I wasn’t involved at all in this argument (I very deliberately removed myself from the room and area during the argument in an attempt to prevent mental fallout), I still feel like it’s all broken and I’m not sure who I can talk to about what’s going on with me because of it. And all of my friends have slowly left, or stopped talking to me. I realized that I don’t have anyone I can comfortably rely on when I am in the worst of it. I have no one who can come sit with me and just listen to how I feel, or just provide friendship and comfort. And even if I did, I don’t think I’d even admit it until it was dangerous anyway.
With some reflection, I know that all of this is steeped in my self worth issues. I met someone I really like. Someone I’m comfortable with, and feel a genuine connection with. But I’m just so scared I’m doing everything wrong, not doing enough, or doing too much. I’m worried I’m gonna be alone, or that I’m gonna hurt him down the road. I’m scared that I’ll hurt myself. And then, if he’s not texting me a lot, I’m scared he doesn’t like me and is bored with me. But when he does, everything’s fine. I hate it. I hate the way my brain works.
For those who don’t understand why my brain is doing this, and why I don’t just change it:
According to UK’s National Health Service (NHS) website, the amygdala, hippocampus and orbitofrontal cortex are all greatly effected by Borderline Personality Disorder.
The amygdala is the part of the brain that regulates emotions. The hippocampus regulates behavior and self-control and the orbitofrontal cortex is involved in planning and decisions making. The NHS found that these regions of the brain are either smaller than usual or had unusual levels of activity among patients of BPD. If our emotional and behavioural regulators are smaller than usual, it is harder to regulate those emotions and behavior. Trust me, if I could change the way it worked, I would. We probably all would. But it’s a much deeper problem than just being happier, or just don’t think like that.
I have to change the entire way my brain works, rewire and reroute my neural pathways. Imagine training yourself to no longer salivate when you think of pickles. Try it, if not with pickles, think of some dessert or food that you really like. Suddenly there’s a little bit more saliva in your mouth then before, huh? Imagine trying to train your brain to not do that. That’s what it would take to change the way my brain works. It’s possible, but it’s a long, complicated process. And without the proper support and community, it makes it even harder.